Sometimes I feel like I am two completely different people. In my past life (Before Kids), I worked in a field that was filled with charismatic, artistic and larger than life people. Many days we were busting at the seams with laughter, all my friends came from this fringe community. It was a freelance, on the move, unconventional lifestyle filled with celebrities, wannabes, and regular folks just loving what they did. All that worked out great when I was in my twenties and just married. In fact I met and later married Mr M during this period of my life. I loved it. I was good at what I did, and finding work was never a problem. I worked hard and worked often many times juggling 3 or 4 projects at once. I was very proud of all my accomplishments.
Eventually, I burned out. The joy, exhiliration, and love for my job turned me into a bitter and angry person. I had to really work hard to pull myself out of the dark hole of depression to get to work and not bite someone's head off. It was now a love/hate relationship with my career and unfortunately some of my old friends. It was during this time that Mr M and I found out that it was unlikely we would be able to get pregnant. Talk about pouring salt into a wound! As we started the adoption process our friends were extremely supportive and helpful. When we did adopt they embraced us all with open arms. Unfortunately very few of these people had children so eventually we just grew apart. I stopped taking gigs and they stopped calling. We would see each other now and then, enjoy a few laughs both old and new. Never with any regularity.
Now 7 years later, Mr M and I have created a wonderful new life, complete with children and a house in the suburbs. I have learned to make boundaries for myself and stick with them. The most important is the ability to say "no". It is very flattering to be asked to work on great project. Ego stroking is always good. But I love saying "no thanks" even more.
Some gigs I have just done for so long that saying 'no' can be awkward even offensive to certain people. Today I had two different meetings for two different gigs I am working on. As I drove to the meetings there were butterflies in my stomach. I was excited. I was looking forward to the chemistry. The meetings went fine, there were laughs and snarky comments all around. As I drove home I felt myself becoming depressed and quite upset. All is okay while I'm there, but changes as soon as I leave. I can't figure out why I keep going back to these jobs. I become someone else that is so very far away from the person that I am now. It feels fraudulent and I don't like it. My therapist once told me that I should be grateful and proud of the skills that I have. Just because you are good at something does not mean that you are required to like it or do it.
I like the life I have now. The kids are all doing great and have made some very special friendships, my friends are genuine and real. Our family has besome part of the community. It feels good not have to worry about all the baggage that comes along with that old lifestyle. It's more that just growing up. It finally feels right. The contrast between the two is so vast that I feel like a split personality, good/evil. It really wears me out. I am pulling out all of my old wacky coping mechanisms to help get through the next few weeks. I look forward to things getting back to normal. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted.
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